Revival

Here's the thing: I (sort of) gave up on this blog months ago. But when I logged  in today, after a very long hiatus,  I was kind of surprised that I still get readers everyday. Not extremely many, of course. Just a meager 3 digit average. Still, it caught me off guard. I don't know if they're just passers by or just curious visitors, but the thought that one or two souls might be interested in my adventures fires me up. So here I am. Back and alive. 

I drafted and deleted many blog posts, and I don't remember why I decided not to post them. Here, however, are  two drafts I managed not to delete. They're the only explanation I can give for my hiatus. No, I'm not posting them to justify why I stopped. I'm posting them as a reminder why I need  to go on.

Draft for New Year's, Word File, unfinished, January 7, 2015, 3:20pm, bedroom

In the middle of cleaning my messy room, I had this sudden urge to reflect on the year that just ended: 2014. I’m looking at my messy room, and I can’t help but compare it to my current life – messy and unorganized. I’ve been cleaning my room for days, but every time I get it sorted out, it’ll just get messy again. A perfect analogy for life, isn’t it?

My life made a big turn last 2014. I started the year preparing to go to Japan and saying goodbyes to friends and families. It was difficult to know that I was about to leave my comfort zone. It was more difficult to leave behind people, especially my mama. But I had to do it. Something inside me pushes me even though I know I might regret this choice someday.

But because of this choice, I’ve experienced more than what I expected. I went to places I only dreamt of before. I met friends that eventually became like family to me. I got new experiences that I wouldn’t have if I stayed where I was. I moved on from a decade of heartbreak from a person who I thought was “the one”, and the future only promises chances and opportunities that I only need to pursue.

I think that it’s a cliché and a lie to say that I don’t regret anything. I do have regrets - a lot of them actually. But I learned that learning to live with them is more effective than being in denial of their existence. Living with my regrets has in turn created a more courageous version of me. I try harder. I try to do better. Most of all, I never stopped trying. There have been many instances in my life when I wanted to stop and just accept what’s in front of me. When I graduated college, I almost gave up on going to Japan. But if I did, I wouldn’t be here.

I used to be a bad hoarder. When I think that a thing has a sentimental value, I’d hold on to it, and keep it until it just becomes a mess in my room. But experiencing loss in different ways has taught me that not every memory can be embodied in an item. Some memories are better just memories – intangible and elusive.

Draft, iPhone Note, unfinished, February 9, 2015, 10:07am, in the middle of the class   

I'm sitting in class and writing (typing) this on my phone because I'm afraid that I might forget everything. I was gone for a long time because I thought I was losing time. But then, today, in accumulation of all what happened last year, I realized that what I was losing was 'passion', that intensified drive that pushes me before. It's still here; I can feel it. But I became too much focused on finding a job, on meeting ends-meet, and stressing out on a visa that may or may not come. I was tired. I was too afraid that nothing will come out of this life abroad and that all will be wasted. Hence, I wrote less and stopped taking pictures.

So there it is.

I have always thought that my blog is my personal space. I even told one of my friends that she need not to apologize for her late posts. It's her space. No one should dictate what she writes in it or when she writes in it. So this time, I'm reminding myself just that. All I need is to wait when inspiration hits again.

Looking forward,